How Binary Thinking Could Mean “Chronic” Suffering In Old Age
All of my grandparents lived long lives except for my grandmother. She died in her sixties. But my memories of her are of being vital and even “wild” to the end. The memories I have of my other grandparents are quite different. They were blessed to live well into their 80’s and 90’s but were quite frail for the last 15-20 years of their life. Things were tough, real tough at some points, emotionally and physically.
Of course, the final days are expected to be painful for all of us. But with medical advances, an increasing number of us are extending the length of time we suffer from days or weeks into years.
Hear me out. This is not about euthanasia.
I remember my grandfathers in particular, being proud men, well educated and accomplished. On my mom’s side was Carl, captain of his soccer team at Stanford, working his way up to becoming an exec with Standard Oil, now Chevron. On my dad’s side was Theodore, a Cal graduate and life-long realtor.
Carl was a man who sacrificed for his family. My Mom always spoke about him with the highest praises. He could have enjoyed his wealth, but lived frugally, worked hard and left it for his kids. Theodore was the consummate gentleman, constantly doling out compliments, expressing gratitude to the cook of every meal served to him, as if it were fine cuisine from a 3 Star, Michelin rated restaurant.
But most of my memories of them involve frailty as a foreboding theme.
Carl broke his hip a few times, had trouble maintaining any muscle mass, and suffered from arthritis in his hands. Theodore, had slumped posture, had to walk extremely gingerly with every step, and suffered from embarrassing memory lapses for the last 10 years of his life. For the last 5 years, I think he stopped being embarrassed because he slowly adjusted to the new reality of just existing, recognizing warm faces but not being able to exactly connect the names and past memories with each person.
Both needed very “hands-on” help for their final years — just to survive and maintain a minimum level of hygiene and dignity. I want to respect their privacy by not sharing too many details but hopefully, I can paint a picture enough to let their lives continue to add meaning and impact to those that read this.
I can remember being in the assisted living facility with my grandpa Theodore. It was one of the better quality ones, but still. You can’t expect your loved one to be treated with the respect and honor he deserves in most of these places. There are so many needy patients. And the nurses come to view each patient as another task to complete. They get numb to the human part, regardless of the fake smile and token pleasantries. I watched my grandpa so frustrated with the language barrier while his male nurse just continued on with his “tasks,” proceeding to do what he had to do, not concerned that my grandpa was scared, confused, and felt disrespected.
Okay, now the point…
Most of us live in a binary reality when we think of old age.
That reality affects our choices about our health in the here and now. We think that the fate awaiting us is one of two:
between living long or dying young.
Few of us consider the fact that most people live long lives these days but the real question is what will be the nature of our exit?
Will we live vital into our elder years and then decline rapidly to our finish? This happens when our organs reach their expiration and start to fail naturally. Or will we start that declension fairly early on, adding chronic conditions on top of each other, living our last 10-20 years totally dependent and reliant upon loved ones or worse: the anonymous “system?” (Be as nice as you can to your loved ones TODAY as an insurance policy.)
Of course the fact remains there are people who take care of themselves that still end up suffering chronic conditions. But we can’t allow those exceptions to discourage us from playing the odds, taking responsibility for the many choices we have this moment, choices that accumulate to likely equal the quality of life we’ll live up until the end. If you assume that healthful living won’t steer you clear of chronic conditions, you’ll fulfill that prophecy. It’s clearly quite easy to do judging by the high level of chronic conditions suffered in our country.
But if you choose to accept the other perspective: that your healthful choices today are an investment in your future, you’re likely to be one the many examples of vital individuals living fulfilling and independent lives, well into their eighties, nineties and beyond.
Have you pictured yourself in old age? How about making the intention of being an 85 year old competitive athlete in the sport you love today? Examples are everywhere if you look for them.
Or, you can listen to your defeatist and moaning friends who whine about the “inevitable” energy drain, fatigue, weakness, and sickness that come with old age. And by golly you’ll be right. You’ll slow down with each ache and pain but take comfort in the fact that you correctly forecasted your fate. You weren’t a hopeful sucker like the rest of those veggie eating, workout snobs.
Take out a blank sheet of paper. What DECISION can you make right now that will be an investment toward realizing the picture in your mind of being vital and independent up until the end?
Disclaimer: No disrespect, blame, or lack of sympathy is intended here to those who suffer from chronic conditions and ailments. This is merely an attempt to spark readers into action to preserve the health they have and wake up from the binary delusion we suffer of the possible endings that await.
Jan 15, 2010
Up until 2 months ago all four of my grandparents were alive. My grandfather on my dad’s side passed away at 90 after about six months of health decline.
Up until a year ago he was nimble and strong. I attribute this to a positive outlook on life and a disciplined work ethic. He never “worked out” a day in his life. But he was from the generation where you worked hard with your hands and did things yourself. He owned a 12 acre property in Pennsylvania that he and my grandmother maintained themselves and with the help of us grandkids and our parents in later years.
There was snow to plow, grass to cut, fences to repair and other maintenance tasks to complete. I am convinced that all this work kept him in shape and healthy into his 80s.
He was an awesome grandfather and was able to give of himself to all of us grandkids – I believe because he kept his mind and body sharp through hard work.
My goal is to spend my life in a way now that will set me up to be a strong and disciplined dad and granddad for my family.
Thanks for a great post.
Joel Mark Witt
Jan 15, 2010
Powerful stuff, friend. You’re a really good writer. I’ve seen both sides of this issue in my two sets of grandparents. One has hung on frail and scared. On the other side, my grandpa spent the last year of her life hunting in the mountains, well into her 80s.
Jan 18, 2010
@Joel, THANKS! for sharing about your grandad. I think you nailed it in terms of an explanation. “working out” is somewhat of a modern remedy to us sitting all of the time. Not too long ago it would be absurd, unless you were an athlete or warrior, to try and burn extra calories. Calories were hard enough to come by without going out of your way to burn them. But that is the flip side to a knowledge based economy.
It sounds like your Grandad set a great example for you in this area. Keep the mind and body active and manage your attitude with every tool possible to avoid throwing in the towel. Thanks again for sharing. I follow your work and know that your work ethic will take you far in business and health. Just sign up for a Kettlebell class, will ya!
Jan 18, 2010
@Josh – I love the “Mountain man elder” reference. What a strong image for the end of life. Also, blown away by your compliment – really lofty praise coming from a writer like you. I always tell people about your blog and story. You’re a living example of how a vigilant approach to training has allowed you to transcend and manage a condition that many would surrender to.
Jan 18, 2010
Yusuf, thank you for sharing an intensely personal and moving reminder of how the choices that we make and the habits that we build today make a huge difference in our later years. I had one grandfather that was healthy and strong into his 80s until the asbestos from his days in construction caught up with him. My other grandfather didn’t take care of his health at all and ended up dying of a heart attack at 50. He never even saw his grandchildren.
I’m in my mid forties, and got serious about fitness a couple years ago. Today I work out with free weights three days a week and run intervals on a rower three days a week. It makes a huge difference in how I feel and how capable I am with coping with stress and challenges in my life. Yusuf is absolutely right – build fitness into your lifestyle, and don’t wait. Do it now.
Jan 19, 2010
Insightful and compassionate post, Yusuf.
Better health and fitness is one of my goals in 2010, so very timely for me, too.
These issues are widespread and chronic so I really like the mission of your blog and look forward to more.
Thanks for tweeting me about it.
@scott_fox
Jan 19, 2010
@Mike – Thanks for chiming in with an important contribution and personal examples as well. Real sorry to hear about the asbestos catching up with your grandfather. Nevertheless, it seems his life in construction kept him with a strong mind and body, until the end. He was able to keep his legacy in tact.
Really glad to see you putting in the work on the weights and the rowers. I especially like the rower. Way to be a leader for your family and peers. If you can, it would serve you well to hire a pro to help you learn how to correctly deadlift. There are drills he can take you through to help you be able to pinch your shoulder blades back. The deadlift is the Paretto Principle actualized in traditional weight training and will make all of the difference in functional strength, core strength, and back strength – plus: hams and glutes.
Jan 19, 2010
@Scott – Thank you! Considering your track record, I know that once you have a goal it’s as good as done. So I look forward to hearing about your progress. Email me if you have any questions. I can point you to some excellent trainers or group classes in your area. It’s quite satisfying to know that you found benefit here, as I’ve read both of your books and listened to a number of your podcasts. So while I am far from repaying your mentorship in full, at least it’s a start. Keep up the good work in building fat wallets while I continue to build lean bodies.
Together we can reverse the alarming trend of lean purses and fat stomachs!
Jan 19, 2010
Really wise insights here. Thinking about my death has been some of the most important self work I’ve done . . . and I think part of being a strong father and a strong human being has to do with your ability to face your death. Thanks for sharing your excellent thoughts here.
Jan 20, 2010
Thanks Clay. I guess one first has to contemplate death and then work backward to how he’d like his end to be. The last 20-30 years are simply survived instead of
lived
by too many.